Ready or Not, You're a Grandparent!
With the advent during the 70's of modern, available, and affordable birth control, many of our generation were able to plan the timing of our parenting. We waited until the house was bought and the salary was sufficient, or at least we tried to, then we ventured out to "start a family". Becoming a grandparent doesn't afford us this level of control. Someone else is in the driver's seat deciding when this child will enter the family and then, ready or not, here it comes...you are ushered into a new, role that will affect you for the rest of your life, namely grandparenthood. I was musing on this today when I found myself envying the amount of time the other set of grandparents have to enjoy our little granddaughter. Retired, they seem to have endless days and ample resources to be able to make themselves available for babysitting in the daytime when the child is awake. They are able to join in on weekday activities (trips to the library, shopping with mommy and the baby, etc.). Single and not retired, I eek out a few hours with the child on the weekend, between my necessary chores and social life and Mommy and Daddy's family time, which they very much need. I offer to babysit on the weekend hoping that it will afford me enough quality time to allow a bonding with the little girl. "Damn, If only I were retired", I find myself thinking, "I could... "
"If onlys" are dangerous and I know that all too well. "If only I had become a teacher in my 20's with everyone else my age..."; "if only we had moved out west early in our marriage..."; "If only I had taken out that loan to start that day care center..."; "If only we had gone to counseling sooner...", "If only I knew then what I know now..." the "if onlys" can kill you, or at least make you very unhappy and resentful, so I make myself stop. The simple truth is that grandparenthood, like all other life passages, is a transition that we must grow into finding out new things about ourselves along the way. If we want to participate in any meaningful way in the lives of our grandchildren we have to part with our expectations, especially the expectations of what being a grandparent should look like. My fond memories of running across the street after school for grandma to watch me' till mom got home from work, are not going to be duplicated in my experience. It is a law of nature that growth necessitates loss. Each step forward in life requires letting go of something that existed before. I didn't stay married and I started my career late in life, so financial constraints dictate that I stay working for a few more years. My style of grandparenting will have to be altered to allow for this reality.
The grandparents of today who are healthier, more active, and living longer than any other time in history are confronting many unfamiliar, non-traditional situations in which we must chart out our roles. We are ground breakers forced to define different ways to grandparent. Groundbreaking can be exciting, but it also can be challenging and at times, confusing. Sometimes people feel weird having conflicting feelings about such a long awaited and basically sacred life passage. I think it is healthy to talk about these issues. What does grandparenting "look like" in your life?
Don't forget to enter Nona's Contest! Every comment up to 3 per entrant entitles you to an entry in the drawing on May 31st for the award winning book Grand Loving Making Memories with Your Grandchildren, by Sue Johnson & Julie Carlson.
For more on Enlightened Grandparenting visit Nona Nita's Nook
and click My Path Productions for ideas that support conscious living .
Ahh yes, the good old "If only's". They are certainly dangerous and can drive me crazy too! And I'm beginning to see and understand that there are many similarities between grandparenthood and parenthood in that both are transitions in which we grow into and learn from about ourselves. Keep on writing Nona!!!
Reply to this
Every stage of life is a transition and each requires reflection in order to learn from it and move forward. This is what conscious living is all about. I read someone quoting Joan Rivers as saying "It's all right to look back as long as you don't stare". I have redirected my gaze forward again. Thanks for the encouragement.
Reply to this
I think becoming a grandparent today is just as difficult as becoming a parent 30 years ago. Our lives were so different from our parents our children live in another world altogether. Some of us also have to contend with being compared to the other set of grandparents. Are they spending more time with the children? Can they afford to be more generous? Bottom line is that you spend as much time with the little ones as possible and be sure to allow some time for rest after they go home.
I try to teach them one new thing at each visit. Last month we worked on drawing circles. What a ball we had!
Reply to this