Helping Your Grandchild Through the Death of a Pet
Having been a teacher for many years, I have seen children of all ages grieve over the death of a pet. In an attempt to shield a child from the pain, some adults try to comfort the child by immediately replacing the animal or trying to distract the child from the grieving process. Experts say that this course of action only confuses the child. Real feelings that are not validated by a trusted adult can lead to depression and dysfunction. The wise adult uses the situation of the death of a pet as a "teachable moment". The child could learn healthy attitudes about the fact that all living things eventually die, that this is the circle of life, and that there are strategies that we can employ to help us through the grief of having to part with a loved one.
Because children are very literal, Grief Counselors and Psychologists advise never to refer to the dead pet as being "asleep" or "going away" because these euphemisms could lead to sleep disorders and separation anxieties. Instead they suggest being honest about the fact that the pet's body is used up and that all living things die eventually. If your family has a religious or spiritual belief that the parents follow, the concept of soul is often comforting to the child at this point. It is advised to always be truthful about the fact that the pet is not going to come back. It is also advised that some ritual be performed to honor the relationship that the child had with the pet and to bring closure. For a preschooler, this could be a simple burial in a shoe box in the back yard with a few kind words said over the grave. Some people plant a seed over the grave to visually enhance the idea that life and death are a normal cycle. You or the child's parent, could read The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown, to the child.
This sensitive, children's classic, suitable for ages 2 -5, depicts exactly this type of ceremony by a group of children who find a dead bird in the yard. The Forever Dog, by Bill Cochran tells the story about the betrayal a young boy feels when his "best friend" dies. This book recommended for ages 5 to 9 would be a good jumping off point for a discussion with your grandchild about the deeper and more complex feelings and questions that an older grandchild might have.
Older children (10 and up) might want to light a virtual candle online in memory of the pet. At this virtual candle site, the child is encouraged to meditate on the intent of the candle and then memorialize the pet with a few words. The virtual candle that the child then "lights" will "burn" for 48 hours during which time they are able to visit it, and email it along with the eulogy, to friends.
Don't assume that your teenage grandchildren are not grieving over losing a pet, just because they don't "seem to be". Teens often try to "tough it out" feeling foolish to be grieving over a pet. Perhaps sending them the virtual candle website or making and sending them a pet sympathy e card at Sadly Missed Pets.Com would be a sensitive way to let them know that adults feel the loss of pets, also.
As grandparents, we know that it is very likely that we will be the first human death of a loved one that our grandchildren will have to deal with. By taking natural opportunities to discuss death with our grandchildren, we can take comfort in knowing that when that time comes, they will be aware of our philosophy of the afterlife and that they will possess strategies that we shared with them to deal with the grief.
Visit Nona Nita's Nook at http://www.nonanitasnook.com for information about Modern, Enlightened Grandparenting and
Nona's My Path Productions at http://www.mypathproductions.com for information about all aspects of Enlightened Living
Because children are very literal, Grief Counselors and Psychologists advise never to refer to the dead pet as being "asleep" or "going away" because these euphemisms could lead to sleep disorders and separation anxieties. Instead they suggest being honest about the fact that the pet's body is used up and that all living things die eventually. If your family has a religious or spiritual belief that the parents follow, the concept of soul is often comforting to the child at this point. It is advised to always be truthful about the fact that the pet is not going to come back. It is also advised that some ritual be performed to honor the relationship that the child had with the pet and to bring closure. For a preschooler, this could be a simple burial in a shoe box in the back yard with a few kind words said over the grave. Some people plant a seed over the grave to visually enhance the idea that life and death are a normal cycle. You or the child's parent, could read The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown, to the child.
This sensitive, children's classic, suitable for ages 2 -5, depicts exactly this type of ceremony by a group of children who find a dead bird in the yard. The Forever Dog, by Bill Cochran tells the story about the betrayal a young boy feels when his "best friend" dies. This book recommended for ages 5 to 9 would be a good jumping off point for a discussion with your grandchild about the deeper and more complex feelings and questions that an older grandchild might have.
Older children (10 and up) might want to light a virtual candle online in memory of the pet. At this virtual candle site, the child is encouraged to meditate on the intent of the candle and then memorialize the pet with a few words. The virtual candle that the child then "lights" will "burn" for 48 hours during which time they are able to visit it, and email it along with the eulogy, to friends.
Don't assume that your teenage grandchildren are not grieving over losing a pet, just because they don't "seem to be". Teens often try to "tough it out" feeling foolish to be grieving over a pet. Perhaps sending them the virtual candle website or making and sending them a pet sympathy e card at Sadly Missed Pets.Com would be a sensitive way to let them know that adults feel the loss of pets, also.
As grandparents, we know that it is very likely that we will be the first human death of a loved one that our grandchildren will have to deal with. By taking natural opportunities to discuss death with our grandchildren, we can take comfort in knowing that when that time comes, they will be aware of our philosophy of the afterlife and that they will possess strategies that we shared with them to deal with the grief.
Visit Nona Nita's Nook at http://www.nonanitasnook.com for information about Modern, Enlightened Grandparenting and
Nona's My Path Productions at http://www.mypathproductions.com for information about all aspects of Enlightened Living
I have never heard of the Margret Wise Brown book. I am a third grade teacher and I agree that children are very confused by the death of a pet. I will use this book in my classroom. Thank you!
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The story is very simple with only a few words on each page and the simple pictures that this author is noted for (The Carrot Seed) but the simplicity makes it deal with the subject in a very matter-of-fact manner and it gives a quiet dignity to the activities of the grieving children. Thanks, Melissa, for reading the blog and for contributing. Anything you ever want to add is welcome and I'm sure would add to the subject.
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The death of a pet to a child is very tragic, however the loss of a caring, devoted grandparent can be all the more devasting. Does Nona Nita have any advice or suggestions of a book to help a grandchild deal with the loss of a grandparent?
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The death of a grandparent is often the first close loss of a loved family member a child experiences. There are many books that deal very well with this issue. My personal favorite, and one that I used frequently at the elementary level, is Annie and The Old One by Miska Miles. It gently explains the reality and inevitability of death with Navajo spirituality. This "circle of life" is familiar to our children thanks to The Lion King. The following link offers many other age appropriate book suggestions: http://www.fernside.org/resources/literature/Grandparent.pdf
I think that one of the most important things to remember is to honor the child's different stages of grief and not try to hurry it along, using tools like the books and rituals to help the child vent the grief in healing ways. Please stop back to share with us which of the books was most effective.
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Both children and adults grieve for their pets. I had a tree planted for a deceased pet and the family received a certificate in the pet's name. They all really appreciated the thought.
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